when/where did I lose you???

dignity
dig·ni·ty
noun

the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect.
"a man of dignity and unbending principle"

a sense of pride in oneself; self-respect.
"it was beneath his dignity to shout"
synonyms: self-respect, pride, self-esteem, self-worth
"he had lost his dignity"

gonna start looking for you today

changes

people used to like me ... really.
I used to be popular. everybody was my friend ... honestly
but something happened after my stroke. even my "best friends" now avoid me
guys at the alehouse don't (won't) talk to me
it's not my fault
I'm still the same person
stuff like this is what makes it hard to keep going
it's so dark in here

comfort music

you're familiar with comfort food, right? foods we eat to soothe the pain when you feel that life is shit.
for me?
chicken and dumplings
kalua pork and cabbage on Hinode rice
Cherry Garcia (Chunky Monkey would work too)
being a former fat guy I have had to really watch the urge to indulge in those foods.
but ...
I do indulge regularly in comfort music.
Pink Floyd's Drak Side is working this afternoon
The Who's Quadrophenia is 40+ year standby for me as are many of Neil Young's early solo albums
a new entry is The Black Crowes Croweology it got me through some really dark days right after my stroke
so ...
what are yours???

greatest fear?

well, certainly not dying. been there three times ... twice in the ocean, once while I was having "my stroke" (and the day afterward).
what keeps me awake at night, what I am truly afraid of is longer being able to care for myself. no longer able to prepare meals, go shopping, dressing my self or taking care of my personal hygiene.
I totally get that it may happen one day ... when I'm old. but lately. I've been getting indications that it could happen soon.
there are days (and they are getting more frequent) I struggle standing up and getting to the bathroom. days I don't shower because I'm convinced I'll fall in the shower if I do. days I cant zip a zipper and/or work a button. days  I can't get up the nerve to leave my room.
it's not all the time ... yet. but I see it on the near horizon and it terrifies me.

being "alone"

"... there is a more wonderful and profound way to be alone. It is the way of deep observation in order to see that the past no longer exists and the future has not yet come, and to dwell at ease in the present moment, free from desire." ~Buddhist teachings

having given up on happiness ...

... work in progress